I have a confession to make: I only recently became a Christian. It happened on August 11, 2016, to be exact.

Don’t get me wrong: I’ve been reading the Bible for years. I did my best to follow the teachings of Jesus. I professed Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior.

But there was still something missing.

I didn’t know this until last August. My family had been plagued by demons for several years, and in the course of our deliverance, I discovered two things were missing from my faith. One seems obvious now: I had not yet accepted forgiveness for my past sins, some of which I thought were unforgivable.

The other was less obvious: I was still a sinner, and I failed to confess my current sins.

I should rephrase that. I am still a sinner. I continually fall short of what God wants for me. I suffer from sloth, fear, and doubt. Occasionally I fall into greed and gluttony. And selfishness is a regular companion. What’s more, I act on these defects of character with alarming frequency.

If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he who is faithful and just will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us. (1 John 1:8-10)

Whether I can, in this life, be cleansed of all unrighteousness is a matter for debate that I will not go into here. My point is, it hasn’t happened yet. And confession is the means by which I bring my sin before God and ask for his forgiveness through Jesus Christ.

Having unconfessed sins separates me from God. It also provides a gateway for demons, those evil spirits whose torment I would in the future like to avoid.

[C]onfess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. (James 5:16)

Often I find it necessary to confess my sins directly to God, in order to do so in a timely manner. However, I find it much more beneficial to confess in the presence of another Christian. Shared confession, like shared prayer, is powerful. And, so far as I know, each person I have chosen to share my confession with has accepted it with respect and confidentiality. The relationship between sincere believers is also powerful.

As I encounter other Christians in the world, I am often amazed that confession is so little talked about. Most admit to being sinners, yet to hear them talk, it is as if they never sin. They seem to see no need for confession. Maybe they don’t sin. I’m not here to judge, though John’s letter strongly suggests that they may be overlooking something.

Some tell me that their sins are forgiven– as indeed they are, but only after they have been confessed.

Some look at me blankly, as if the idea of sin never occurred to them.

So here is my invitation to you:

Consider the three passages below, honestly asking yourself if your life reflects them as fully as you believe the Bible intends.

[T]he righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry and gave you food, or thirsty and gave you something to drink? And when was it that we saw you a stranger and welcomed you, or naked and gave you clothing? And when was it that we saw you sick or in prison and visited you?’ And the king will answer them, ‘Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me.’ (Matthew 25:37-40)

For we are what he has made us, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand to be our way of life. (Ephesians 2:9)

You believe that God is one; you do well. Even the demons believe—and shudder. Do you want to be shown, you senseless person, that faith apart from works is barren? (James 2:19-20)

If the answer is yes, ask yourself again. If it is still yes, congratulations. You’re a better Christian than I am.

But if, as I suspect is true with most of us if we get honest, the answer is that we fall short, I invite you to find a suitable person and confess your sins. Because that’s part of the deal God made with us, part of the New Covenant. And it’s also a way to become closer to God.

I’ve tried it both ways. Living in confession is better.

Once in a while, FaceBook challenges me. Some time back, someone posted asking if I had prayed for Satan. This opened up a lengthy internal debate about the nature of evil.

I never believed much in evil. I never thought much about it until I studied theology at Loyola Marymount University. There, I encountered theodicy: If God is all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-loving, how can evil exist? After reading a fair bit about how others answered this question, I came to the conclusion that evil cannot exist, and that any other answer is inconsistent with the Bible. Yes, there are things that happen that I don’t like. People make bad choices that cause suffering, sometimes for millions of people. I wouldn’t wish those things on my worst enemy (if I had an enemy). But, in my view, that didn’t make them evil.

I noted the book of Job, where Satan is described as God’s prosecutor. He can’t touch Job without God’s permission (Job 1-6-12). “Satan” is also a generic term in Hebrew, not a proper name. It literally means “adversary” or “one who opposes.” Clearly in this passage, the character identified as “Satan” opposes not God, but Job.”

When I was working hard to end the war in Sri Lanka, I was given a realization: While the work I was doing was both good and consistent with what God wanted from me, in some way beyond my understanding the war was also consistent with God’s plans. Yes, it was God’s will that we end that war, but the war could not exist if God didn’t allow it.

A wise man once said, “Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake.” After that realization, I no longer doubted that wisdom.

Then came my struggle with darkness and my eventual deliverance. I saw dark spirits and was tormented by them. I was asked to believe that they were minions of Satan, who is seen as the source of evil in this world. I accept what I experienced, but I have no theology to explain it.

Then came that fateful FaceBook post. It challenged me with this inevitable question: Is it possible for Satan to be redeemed? Could he turn his heart back to God and renounce evil? Or is he excluded from God’s promise that all who repent are forgiven?

I’m not saying that Satan (assuming he exists and that he opposes God) will repent. I’m just asking if he could.

I can see no basis on which to argue that he could not.

Then another analogy occurred to me: Suppose a wold is prowling my yard. That wolf is clearly dangerous, even deadly. But is it evil? It was made by God as a predator, and it is doing exactly what God created it to do. Predators fill an important role in God’s creation of nature. How can that be considered evil?

Likewise, these dark spirits I struggled with were doing what was in their nature to do. They are dangerous, perhaps deadly, and perhaps worse than deadly. But does that make them evil, or were they created (like the wolf) to do exactly what they are doing?

Was it consistent with God’s will that I be tormented by darkness in order to find a way to a stronger faith? Was it God’s will that Jesus be tempted in the desert? I think the answer to both questions is, “Yes.”

I don’t deny that there are events in this world that I dislike. The Holocaust is one, a dreadful loss of innocent lives that I would be tempted to call evil. (On the other hand, good things came out of it, like the philosophy of survivor Viktor Frankl, the awareness of genocide throughout the world, and (arguably) the restoration of Israel. Can evil produce good? I have serious doubts.) Surely the Israelites could say the same after first Israel was destroyed and its residents scattered, and then Jerusalem was destroyed and the Jews taken into exile. Yet the Bible clearly tells us both were God’s will. And restoration followed.

Then there’s the issue of free choice. Surely a person can refuse to follow God’s wishes, and therefore cause evil, right?

Ask Jonah, who refused God’s command to go to Ninevah. God gave him a ride to Ninevah.

God tends to get what He wants.

So, is there really evil, or are these “evil” events merely things God ordains that I cannot understand?

“Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge?” (Job 38:2)

I may never know. But I choose to believe that God can do anything, and nothing can happen if He wills it to not happen. Thus, everything that does happen is somehow consistent with his will. And despite this, I am called to love Him, his Creation, and all the creatures in it, both human and otherwise.

Who do you talk to about being plagued by demons? Most people are going to think you’re crazy. But our experiences with them were real and, as far as I’m concerned, incontrovertible.  In Utah, we’d spoken to some Pentacostals who suggested that we could get rid of the demons ourselves by just ordering them out in the name of Jesus. That was only partly true. The demons would leave, but they wouldn’t stay gone. My pastor in Denver suggested that someone here in Harrisonburg could help. After our move, we talked to him, as well as to another couple we trusted.  Both suggested that if our problems were severe, Isaiah 61 Ministries might be able to help.

Our problems were severe, disrupting our daily lives with illness, depression, and despair. So we contacted Isaiah 61 and spoke with Roger. He warned us that if we pursued deliverance, the demons would try hard to stop us.  He was right. By the time we had completed the application process, I was beginning to wonder if I belonged to the demons and was beyond help.

The deliverance process began with a 15-page application. I submitted my genealogy, information about sins I know my ancestors committed, my own history, and my own sins and infirmities. My past is less than clean, so I was somewhat encouraged to see that there were sins listed on the checklist that I had never heard of. I filled out the application as thoroughly as I could, withholding nothing. Some of my history I felt embarrassed to share with people I barely knew, but I was desperate, and what’s the point of the process if I’m not going to be honest?

The deliverance itself took three 5-hour sessions for my wife and me. Everything the four-person team did or proposed was firmly based in scripture, though I have to admit much of it was foreign to me as a Mennonite. And, as the sessions approached, I became quite nervous.  I was about to bare my soul to four strangers. But, more importantly, what if my faith was insufficient?

My first session began with a prayer, which among other things acknowledged the team’s power and authority over demons before God as justified in the Gospel.  Then came the first part, a lengthy interview to clarify my answers on the application. In the second part, I repented and renounced my sins and the sins of my ancestors, renounced my vows to other religions, and acknowledged my broken vows, including my marriage vows to my first two wives. The team also broke any and all curses that may have been upon me.

Curses? Really?

Yes, really. Though I have no intellectual framework to support the idea, I now accept that curses exist, and that they pass down through generations. (Not long ago, a psychic told my wife she was under a multi-generational curse that was over 400 years old. Ironically, though she was correct, consulting her worsened the infestation of demons.) There are specific curses mentioned in the Bible, such as that of Adam and Eve after they disobeyed God, and that of the Jews, who claimed responsibility for the blood of Christ when they demanded His crucifixion. There are curses spoken or written, some even by our own selves as when we “claim” a certain negative characteristic through our self-talk. And there are curses associated with specific actions. Roger claims that the French are under a curse for the killing of the Hugonots. I also discerned a curse associated with the House of David I of Scotland, though for what specific act I could not tell.

In the third part, the team “tested” for spirits. This involved the team leader, Roger, calling out the spirits one by one and commanding them to leave. I was amazed at how many of them came out. There were at least dozens, possibly more than a hundred, though I have no way of counting them. Most surprising to me was a strong Norse presence, which I saw manifested as a steel helmet. I know I have Viking ancestors, but they’re so far back I doubted they would have any effect on me. Apparently, they did. I also have one ancestor who seems to appear from nowhere, and I suspected he might be Native American. When Roger called out any Native American spirits, I saw a vision of a Native American village in which a blonde woman was bound with leather things, leading me to believe that my ancestor was in fact half Native, the child of a kidnapped female settler (which apparently happened quite often on the frontier in Maine). Perhaps the oddest encounter, though, occurred in my second session. There was a darkness lodged in my abdomen, and Roger called it out but it refused to move. He asked what it was called, and it replied, “Flexus.” He asked why it was still there, and it replied, “Because it’s warm.” He asked its purpose, and it answered, “I’m the defiant one.” Which, obviously, it was. Roger then began a very legalistic prayer, terminating its rights and canceling its assignments, and it left very painfully through my head.

But let’s back up a moment. As part of my interview, I was asked the date on which I was “saved.” I left it blank. Though I believe in God and Jesus, I had no faith whatever that Jesus’s sacrifice had anything to do with my sins. I felt that somehow my sins were so bad that I could not be forgiven. I was very clear about my lack of faith.

And here’s the problem:

“When the unclean spirit has gone out of a person, it wanders through waterless regions looking for a resting place, but not finding any, it says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came.’  When it comes, it finds it swept and put in order. Then it goes and brings seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they enter and live there; and the last state of that person is worse than the first.” (Luke 11:24-26)

Without sufficient faith to fill oneself with the Holy Spirit, the demons return in even greater numbers.  That had been our problem in the past.

During the interview, I was again clear about my lack of belief. They asked me if I believed in eternal life, and I answered (honestly) that I didn’t, and I didn’t much care about eternal life. They asked me if I believed that my sins could be forgiven by Jesus, and again I answered in the negative. But after some discussion, I was able to envision giving Jesus a suitcase full of my sins, and letting Him do with them as He sees fit.

That turned out to be sufficient. I can now say with my heart, though not with any theological or intellectual backing, that I believe my sins have been washed clean by the blood of Jesus’s self-sacrifice.

There’s another catch. Jesus asks for repentance, from the verb “to repent,” which is “to feel or show that you are sorry for something bad or wrong that you did and that you want to do what is right” (Webster). Obviously there is a question whether repentance is sincere if you keep doing what you were doing. But there is a more practical concern. If committing a sin opens a door for a demon (or multiple demons) to enter, then one must stop committing the sin in order to keep the demons out. My wife and I cleaned our home of all representations of other religions, including my Buddha collection and her Alan Watts tapes. We burned our tarot cards. We threw out books and pictures. I deleted much of my old music from my MP3 player and computer. We’ve virtually eliminated course language. We’re careful about what we watch on Netflix and listen to on Youtube. This hasn’t been easy. Some of the items we disposed of were antiques and rare books. And some days, I miss Black Sabbath!

But how much are these things worth compared to peace with God and a life free from demonic oppression? The answer is clear. Since my first deliverance session over two weeks ago, I haven’t been angry or depressed.  I’ve experienced a feeling of comfort and settledness I have never felt before. I have not been struck perfect. There are days I still struggle with vulgar language, fear of financial insecurity, and inappropriate sexual thoughts. They won’t be canonizing me any time soon. But the peace that I’ve found, after literally years of torment from these things of darkness, is incomparable.

Hiding didn’t work, of course. God was in Utah just as much as anywhere else. And my spirit pined to continue my quest. One day, while visiting family in Denver, I attended a Mennonite Church. I felt like I was home. I loved the message, the music, and the people. I was baptized later that year, and began to wonder how I could immerse myself in this spirit I found at a church that was eight hours from home.

That’s about the time things got complicated. I found myself increasingly plagued with despair and depression, and my wife suggested I might have some darkness in me. I didn’t take her seriously.  Darkness?  That’s fiction, right?

It’s not fiction. As things grew worse for me, I became willing to consider that perhaps I was infested with some sort of dark entity. That sounds crazy, right? But it wasn’t. One day, as I was praying to God for clarity, I saw it. A small, dark, nebulous creature was inhabiting my chest. I told it to leave, and it left.

But it didn’t stay gone. It returned with others, and soon we were in a full-scale battle with demons on our ranch. We had no idea what to do.  We searched the internet. We talked to pastors from various denominations. Everyone told us that of we cast them out in the name of Jesus, they would go. And they did. But they didn’t stay gone.

I need to interject here that I still have no coherent theology to account for demons. I don;t believe in ghosts, either, except that I’ve seen two in my lifetime. I’ve seen these demons. I’ve fought them. I know they are real.

My desire to lead a God-centered life led me to move to Virginia to attend seminary. I desperately hoped that we would leave the demons behind when we left. And for the first month, it seemed like we had. Then things started to go wrong. Like ten emergency room visits in six weeks. Like crisis after crisis, most often on Saturday nights so we’d miss church on Sunday.

We sought help, and were led to a former business professor who had retired to study deliverance ministry. He explained to us that casting our demons was as simple as we’d been taught, but not if you want to do it thoroughly. To get rid of them all, and have them stay gone we had missed a few steps. First, we had to confess our sins before God.  And second, we had to accept the healing power of Jesus’s resurrection into out lives.

I have no trouble confessing my sins. I’ve been doing it in the Twelve Step program for years. But what’s all this about the healing power of Jesus’s resurrection? I still could not believe that my sins could somehow be transferred to another person, especially one who’s been dead for 2,000 years.

But I was desperate. I had begun feeling like the darkness was winning.  My prayer had become, “God, if I am not of the darkness, cleanse me; if I am of the darkness but can be saved, save me; if I am of the darkness and cannot be saved, remove me before I do more damage.”

Here was a man who claimed he could cleanse me. You bet I was listening!

The application process was fifteen pages long.  It covered ancestral sins, false beliefs, sins I committed, mental and physical frailties, and more. I filled it out completely.

The day of my deliverance, I was terrified. What if I was unable to believe enough for this to work? I mean, he warned me that we had to live differently, which I was fine with. But he also warned me that I would have to believe differently. I’ve never had much luck believing what people told me to believe!

I’ll describe the deliverance process itself another time. But I will say that when the time came, I was granted sufficient understanding of the forgiveness of Jesus for the process to work. I watched an amazing number of demons come out of me.  That was two weeks ago, and they haven’t returned.